Prayer Shawl that I made for my mom when she had lung cancer last year.
When she passed my sister sent it back to me.
It's been quite a whirlwind of appointments and information from so many doctors over the past two months. Much of it is contradictory. I find myself confused and frustrated.
The first doctor -primary care- told me that I had to 'have your breast cut off' and then probably chemo and radiation, but she admitted she didn't really know since it wasn't her field. She referred me to a breast cancer surgeon. I wondered who will manage my case? Is surgery the answer? Are there other ways to treat this?
While waiting for the appointment for the consult with the surgeon I called a local Cancer Center. They refused to see me without a referral from my primary care doctor.
Since that was a dead end, I called two top cancer hospitals in the country. Neither ask for a referral and took information over the phone, but it ended there.
I went to the surgeon in Albuquerque. From the time of the biopsy, it was three weeks before I had the surgery. The surgeon told me that the mass/cancer probably started growing a year ago. She said prior to the surgery I'd likely need radiation. After the surgery she referred me to physical therapy and to a local oncologist for chemotherapy. She hadn't told me about the painful side effects of the lumpectomy -just that recovery is usually two days. It's been over two weeks. It's not healed yet. Although I went to physical therapy this week and it helped. (Christian physical therapist by the way.) She massaged the scar in my arm pit to break up scar tissue. She says the scar on my breast is still 'open' and will wait until next week to work on it (Still she's the 16th person to examine/treat my breast.) But I've been thinking that if I had been fully informed of the nerve damage to my upper arm (pain and numbness) I don't think I would have opted for surgery. But then with a referral to a surgeon was there an option to begin with?
Here's the issue with all of it -there aren't really options. There's referrals for specialties that others don't specialize in. No one talks about alternative medicine, faith healing or nutrition.
After the "O-No Chemo" post I have prayed a lot. Why shouldn't I trust Christian oncologists? But then what other options were there? If I go to an oncologist they are only going to recommend chemotherapy. I asked several questions about alternative medicine and healing. The answers were those are all myths. What came to mind is -if you go to a burger place -that's all you can order. Ultimately that's all you will order. If they don't serve pizza -you can't really request it. Not that this example is a good one for me -I've been eating huge salads everyday.
We asked if these chemo medications would cause the side effects we've all read about -and they said it depends on the person. Chemo brain fog was dismissed as something that if you think you'll have it you will. Here I was told the cancer could have been growing for a long time or a short time -no one knows how long it's been growing there. However, I felt the lump while in the shower -I have always done self-breast exams while bathing. One day it wasn't there and the next it was. I was referred to a local surgeon for a consult to get a port implanted in my chest for ease of chemo meds. This surgeon told me the cancer was probably growing for the past five years. He's one of several doctors who's asked in a half panicked voice, "Well, you're going to at least do radiation- right?" when I ask about questions about treatment and chemotherapy in particular. Why does everyone fear cancer? Anyway...
When I heard about the biopsy results I ordered two books from Amazon. The first was Don't Waste Your Cancer by John Piper and the other was Radical Remission by Kelly Turner. Piper's booklet (15 pages) validated my faith/beliefs about cancer. I don't view it as something to battle or fight against. He says in his booklet that cancer is from God and it's a gift. That validates my experience with cancer so far. I know most people don't view cancer as a gift but as a burden or an evil attack. I've experienced many evil attacks in spiritual warfare -but this doesn't seem to be one in my experience.
Yesterday, I read through Radical Remission. The author interviewed 50 non-western healers around the world about their perspective of healing cancer. She interviewed 100 cancer patients who were in remission and studied over a 1000 medical records. Most of the medical cases were cancer patients who were sent to hospice to die and they didn't. She studied the cases to see if there was anything those patients did that led to this complete healing.
My masters degree is in Community Psychology so I love studies like these because there's much more information in a qualitative study -time spent interviewing and learning more in depth. Her research seems good, however it's a secular book and has several types of alternative medicine that I have a problem with due to my Christian faith. But the basics of the book and the stories of those who were 'healed' is interesting. She found nine key factors that all the cases shared. Most of which I'm doing now. Ha!
As I read through this book, I thought of two friends I had worked with who had immediate healing from cancer. Both spent time examining the source of the cancer -from an emotional perspective. Both let out hidden or repressed emotion and the cancer just left the body. I'm not saying that it works for all people. But as a counselor I found it amazing -and I was good friends with both people.
Now in the Christian world we focus on faith healings. I asked my mom to go to a church near her house where they had 'healing rooms' -where several people would pray for healing. There's a lot of success in faith healing. John G. Lake was an evangelist who had thousands of, medically documented, faith healings in his lifetime. Needless to say, my mom didn't want to go to the church. She didn't believe in the power of Jesus -she denied him to the very end. I prayed and prayed for my mom. I crocheted a prayer shawl and mailed it to her.
If you are unfamiliar with a prayer shawl (or baby hats) -you knit or crochet and with each stitch you say a prayer for the person who will receive it. It's a very intense way to pray over someone and to give a blessed gift. (See photo above).
Over the past several years I've seen the prayer lists of several churches where so many people are diagnosed with cancer. Some are healed through conventional treatment and prayers. But many, many are not healed. The questions and things you hear in church are: Didn't they receive the healing? Don't they have enough faith? They must be sinning and not repenting. It was their time to be taken to heaven. OR, it wasn't their time to go. They must not be praying for healing. Maybe they don't have a relationship with the Lord.
If my cancer goes into remission does that mean I'm a better Christian than the person seated in the pew next to me? If my cancer is what ends my life on this earth -am I less faithful? There's a lot of pressure to 'look good at church.' But that's not from God.
If anyone has said these things to you -let it roll off like water on a ducks back- don't accept it. Just know your relationship with the Lord and believe in him. Church hurt happens. People are people -sinners are sinners- and we hope that we can grow in Christ's love, but for some people it takes time. So don't take this on. We each have our own path with the Lord -our own conversations, directives, mission, and yet we are all to obey his word. So get into the word -read your Bible. One thing I've learned in my life as God's daughter for over 20 years and as a counselor -sometimes God says no. It's that simple. God said no when I asked him for healing for my mom. God said no, when I asked for healing from asthma. God said no, to healing for the thousands of godly people who've died from cancer. It's that simple. I try very hard to not ask 'why' anymore. But just accept that all he does is for our good and his glory.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28
If I can tie up all these loose strings of thought, it's to say this: I am confused by all the advice and referrals. And yet, chaos and confusion are not from God.
The medical field is designed to treat pathology. People are not treated as a whole person but treated by the disease or by the area or organ of the body.
In the church, we don't like to acknowledge the power of the mind/psychology of emotions -we are told not to trust emotions. So many people repress emotions to show faith to God and other believers. Counseling is not valued because it minimizes the need to come to Jesus directly for healing. Yet my gift from God is to encourage others or exhortation. I found in counseling and teaching at UAF that exhortation does fit with counseling and with leading people directly to Jesus.
Alternative medicine focuses on the whole person but there are too many 'spirits' and ways of healing that can take a person into the world of the occult.
Healing has to start with our LORD and end with our LORD. He is the divine healer. We will either be healed in this time and place on earth or when we fall into him arms and leave our bodies behind -both are divine healing. He created all the exists in the world...love, joy, peace, medicine, doctors, emotions, counselors, vegetables and fruits....etc. The evil one does not create but only destroys.
However, when we pray for anything -even with verses from the Bible -we can not manipulate God or put in an order for what we want. (God's will not my own.) My chronic asthma has been medically treated my entire life, so using medical measures to put my breast cancer in remission isn't an issue for me. However, deep down inside (not a feeling) I am lead to say chemotherapy isn't for me. I don't have reasons but just a deep sense. In Christianity we call it being touched by the holy spirit. When the holy spirit leads us we are to obey without question -even when all evidence is contrary (like Christian oncologists). Or I have my own understanding like:
I want to want -what the doctors want for me.
Doctors know what's best.
I'm not afraid of losing my hair or becoming sick.
I'm strong enough to do this.
God will heal me from anything chemo can do to me.
But following the holy spirit means, chemo is a no-go. I go back to the verse at the top of this post.
"Do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5
God brought us to New Mexico two years ago. I am so blessed to be able to write and garden in March. In Alaska, writing was beside the wood stove and gardening was wintering the geraniums.
So what's left? I'm reading and praying. Focusing on activities that are low stress -like gardening, eating veggies/fruits and writing. I'm spending time working on my godly mission of writing the White Stone Chronicles and Angel Garden Pals. I've been to two doctor appointments this week. Now I'm doing physical therapy stretches several times per day. I'm reading books about healing. I'm taking in all of your prayers -my dear readers!
We've spent the week talking with Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Phoenix. They've done an intake over the phone and say they offer faith-based services, nutrition and alternative medicine as well as traditional cancer treatment. We have been waiting all week to receive a call for an appointment. The appointment will last for three days. I don't know if it's the best way to go. Pray with me for clear guidance. When we are unsure of the next step it's best to stop and wait for guidance from our Father and pray. Praying.... for the next step.
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