Our First Mission

It was a little over a week ago that we traveled to Michigan. We attended New Hope Church and our ministry was announced through prophecy and prayed over and we were anointed with oil. No, it wasn't our ministry as a couple -although that's wrapped into it. Our ministry is sharing the gospel through evangelical exhortation. Sharing the word of the Lord, the books and Paul's gifting of leading others in worshipping God with our voices. We know this will take us to places far and wide, following in the footprints of Paul's parents who share the gospel as evangelists who travel from church to church. As we were prayed over, it felt as if we were be christened like a ship setting sail to new lands. I spoke about Meek and shared what the Lord put on my heart. We hugged everyone and received blessing after blessing. How thankful we are for that precious time of starting us both out on this grand new adventure

Our ministry of sharing the gospel through the word, books and music is not our marriage. That is an additional ministry. Our marriage comes first. Our jobs are a ministry ...but they do not come first, illness, bills, our hobbies and fellowshipping with other believers does not come first...always our marriage comes first. It honors and glorifies the Lord. 

From the beginning of our marriage, we invested time everyday with each other. Investing in your spouse and children is a moment by moment, hour by hour, daily choice..from having a meal together and putting away iPhones to actually talk without interruption for hours. This is the Mission of Family... maybe I'll start a new blog on this topic!

Last night Joe Burton shared the word with us at church. I took away a reminder of something I have said to my clients and students for years -"what you do is your mission." Attending church is not a mission -it's a great, godly activity -and you might be called to serve at a church-building with God's people. However most people are 'blessed' (yes, truly blessed) to have a family and daily work. These are your first mission field. The church we serve is all around us, starting with our family.

Wherever you work, you will lift up and encourage fellow believers, you will plant seeds with the unbelievers, you will pray out the enemy where he prowls like a lion looking to devour.

At home you will encourage and support the gospel in your home through your words and actions. Loving your spouse and children is a complex and challenging mission field. It's filled with many choices and heart wrenching experiences. It's exciting and sometimes not exciting, it's an adventure with the Lord that shapes us to be more like Christ.

However, most of us never think of Family as a mission. However, it is the first mission. This has come to light with my marriage as Paul and I have had to assess how we invest in our marriage and still give to others.

Paul and I enjoying time at Frankenmuth, MI

If we are not extremely careful, we can give away all we have -time, money, energy to everyone else -leaving our children and spouse without. It's not in God's plan to put family at the end of the 'to do' list. If you are blessed to be married, have children, care for aging parents, well then thank the Lord! He is the provider! He has given you one of the most wonderful of gifts. Whatever gift we ignore or refuse to invest in will not honor the Lord, and blessings can be removed. Even as you live amongst your family -it may become a burden rather than a blessing. Also, children grow up, spouses pass on and we can look back with regret. Whatever you take care of will prosper, but what you do not...well...

Selfie at Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland

Pastors and church leaders -or overseers are examined by their ability to manage his or her own household (see scripture below). What does manage look like? It's the investment of all family members with one another.

For our family it means that we start the day together -time invested in sharing our morning thoughts, plans for the day and spend time just talking. There's nothing like praying blessings over your spouse before they leave for the day. Well, except being prayed over -that's pretty great!

We check in throughout the day. We share meals -while talking. We enjoy down time together every single day. We know what goals and challenges the other has and we support and encourage without reserve. We aren't in the same house doing separate activities, we fully engage with each other -phones off or put away and just spend time together.

Lastly, we go to bed together at the same time. There's only one night every so often that we don't. That's when he stays up tip 1am to write papers for school. Why is it important to go to bed together? It's a time to pray and let the Lord renew us together in rest and slumber. Restoration on a regular basis is a blessing from the Lord!

Do you see the photo above with Paul and I enjoying this moment at a CHRISTmas store? (btw, I loved seeing that they spelled Christmas this way). Well the rest of the story is the challenge we had in finding a joyful place to be with one another because when we arrived at the cool German inspired town, Paul received a tons of text messages. His phone blew up -both about work and confusion and chaos from the worship team. We walked around in a daze and then we decided chaos is not from God so let's stop and pray. We sat down in the cafe and prayed for the Lord to calm everyone and let us focus on our time together. We put our phones away and then returned to our first mission -our marriage. We found one ornament for our tree -marshmallow husband and wife in a cup of hot cocoa! Again celebrating our marriage.

Troubling times, arrows from the enemy and life in general will interrupt your first mission, but you just have to stand your ground and say -no way- and pray out the chaos and move into God's provision...over and over again....

 
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also -Matt 6:21 
My treasure is in the Lord Jesus Christ. My heart is for him -the work he gives -the missions- are extra; they are the blessings.

1 Timothy 3:1-7English Standard Version (ESV)

Qualifications for Overseers

3 The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. 2 Therefore an overseer[a] must be above reproach, the husband of one wife,[b] sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, 5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7 Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.

I 'donut' have repressed feelings.. oh wait, maybe, I do...

I've been reading Radical Remission, Surviving Cancer Against All Odds by Kelly Turner. It's what you do when you have completed the cancer treatment. Read books on what to do next. My treatment was surgery, eleven weeks ago. I'm recovering well and trying to understand what comes next. My day begins and ends with me eating foods gently. Is the apple good for me? Can I eat ice cream with the family or will I die from milk and sugar? Can I eat tacos? Wait meat is bad for me, so I'll just have refried beans in the taco. What is in the refried beans? Will it kill me? Can I eat the taco shell? Prays to the Lord, while cooking for family* "Lord, what can I eat?"

Changing eating habits is painful. We've been gluten free for several years. I still miss donuts. I bought donuts for a friend the other day, and it was wonderful to participate in part of the donut ritual -going to the donut shop. The eating of donuts, is not permitted. Ask me how I feel about it....

It brought back memories of my dad taking me for a ride on his motorcycle and ending up at the donut shop for a breakfast of cocoa and donuts at Daylight Donuts in Hays, Kansas. He would sit and talk to the other men who came to drink coffee and chat the morning away. I miss donuts and I miss my dad.

People say that your life changes when you have a cancer diagnosis. That's been true for me and I wonder what will I be like in a year, ten years even forty years from now. I've had chronic asthma all my life, occasional colds and the flu. I've had my tonsils removed and my gallbladder out. But none of that has changed me like having a diagnosis of cancer.

What I want to know is ...why is this different from say the flu. With the flu, we will ask, "how are you feeling?" and eventually we stop asking. I suppose because we assume that they have recovered. But cancer isn't like that, why? There is no recovery. Instead we say, it's in 'remission.' When you have the flu, you drink fluids and eat homemade chicken soup. You stay home from work and rest up. With cancer, the remedies makes you sicker.

People say that having cancer made them angry. I don't understand this. But then I feel angry and wonder why? Why feel anything different from say having the flu? I never felt angry after having the flu.

So finished the chapter titled, Releasing Suppressed Emotions. I read through the chapter and gave it a nod and kept reading. Now, I'm actually up to the chapter on Social Support in the book....Because I'm not angry. Why would I be angry? What have I suppressed? I stopped at Social Support and went back to the emotions chapter. Now I am rereading the dumb chapter on suppressed emotions. Wasn't reading it once enough?!

As a professing, faith filled, Jesus loving, believer of the the one true God....how could I suppress emotions? I mean, ok, my parents both died last year; I've lost my new job because of cancer, I miss working as a professor (budget cuts in 2015), my only child is becoming an adult and I am developing a case of empty nest syndrome...but who's suppressing emotion? Am I? I'm eating fruits and vegetables for every meal -like seriously- I'm going granola. But I think of donuts everyday. I'm good...no suppressed feelings here. Maybe they are repressed feelings?

I've been asking God for help in this. Show me where I'm suppressing emotions so that I can heal. So that I can be closer to you. So that I can avoid cancer....oh...yeah, I see how this is different from the flu. Cancer is a certified life-ender. In our modern times, the flu is an inconvenience. I mean people do die from the flu...every year. But not like cancer.

I ask God, am I angry about cancer....In my heart, show me where? It sure does upset other people. Everyone seems angry about cancer. Cancer talk, makes people feel awkward to discuss the treatment options or about the loss associated with it. It's everywhere...cancer is not just me, it's everywhere. So when you talk with me, it brings up the past. That's really sad and I guess it could make me angry.

Reading about suppressed emotions makes me angry. Because, I'm like *talking to the book* "I'm not angry, you are!" *Throws book down on the sofa and walks away* I know that talking to the Lord about the pain of life and difficulties makes it better, I feel soothed. I am covered in a joy, that's deeper than I've ever experienced. But apparently, I still feel feelings -uh hello, Jesus, I'm still angry. What do I do? Christians aren't suppose to feel angry or sad...we are suppose to put on a happy face and greet our fellow believers with a cheerful heart. Fake, lies, not true. I want a donut and I want it now. *Picks up a banana and eats it with a spoonful of peanut butter.*

People ask, "How are you doing?" because they don't know what else to say. But as a person with this strange experience, I don't want to lie but who really has the time to hear about the confusion, the hard choices, the days that pass without any new information. I don't have a cancer-meter wrist watch to tell you how much cancer there is or if I'm ok or if it's a bad day or even why it's a bad day.

Oh, wait, that sounds like repressed anger. Where do we let it out? Where do we share the real -RAW- feelings of something that isn't understood? The other day, someone told me that with this experience, I needed rest no matter what job/work I would have done. I've felt bad about not returning to the In School Suspension classroom. But I have felt God touch my heart on this...I can't be around the negativity of the angry students and frustrated teachers who come to the room. It's really sad. Because I liked the students and the school. Apparently it's not good for me to be there.

*Picks up book from sofa, begins rereading chapter on emotions* Huh, I can see where I 'might' have some feelings about this. Lord, what do I do with these feelings??

*Lord, touches my heart with the following words* "Write, write, write! Everyday write. Let your voice out in your writing. Write Martyr until it's finished. Take your emotions and use them in the novel. Write what you feel through the characters. Write, write, write!"

So I set up a writing area in a closet. It's actually a pantry. I called it the 'Cloffice' -closet/office. Witty and humorous. I laugh at my own jokes. I think that Jesus might think it's funny. *My 18 year old daughter rolls her eyes and refuses to call it the Cloffice.*  I have no repressed emotions. I have no repressed emotions.

But then I realized I do a lot of praying in here and it was a pantry... so we can call it the Prayer Pantry. My nearly adult daughter said, "Oh you finally came up with a good name." *Looks at daughter with annoyance * I have no repressed emotions. I have no repressed emotions.

Loss. It's all about loss and how to reconnect with the Lord along this path. So in obedience, I write and write. He neglected to say, 'Eat donuts everyday.' I'm still waiting for that directive. Until then, back to Martyr, I go. Chapter 29 must be written. It's the funeral of the character that's -martyred- uh yeah...it's the reason the book is titled Martyr. Sorry, no hints at who is martyred. But having a character die -is not easy. Loss...it's all about loss and how to reconnect with the Lord along this path.

*My lovely daughter walks by* and says, "If Pastor Ben dies, I'm never reading any of your books ever again!" I have no repressed....

*Turns to daughter and says* "I can't tell you who's being martyred. Have a great day. Love you!"

I really miss donuts...

Meek: White Stone Chronicles Book 1 by Lara Hensley Garno

Decision time: Healing and Wellness

Blessed by veggies for juicing.

Standing on God's promises develops our faith. It's a propulsion system leading us deeper into a relationship with him. It's an interaction with him. He gives direction and we follow.  He covers us with peace and joy. We take it in to our body, mind and spirit and enjoy it. He gives a bit of faith and we stand a little taller in his promises...and this goes on and on as we walk in the Lord. Faith is active and it's working with the Lord in concert. It's a lovely harmony of his voice and ours and at times a crescendo, then a return to a sweet melody. It's the dance we do with the Lord that makes the music life fulfilling and nurtures our faith. 

This leads me to standing on the promises of being healed and walking in his peace. So, I've made several decisions this week about my health -post cancer.  

1) It's really important to my continued health and well-being to focus on two priorities: reduce stress and lose weight. Once these are underway we will add others.

2) Physical Therapy is working so I should keep doing it.

3) I'm going to follow the Radical Remission ideals and consciously integrate all nine principles into my life. 

4) The Lord put it on my heart -to write- -it's inscribed on my spirit. Write. Write. Write. So here I am writing to you dear reader. And Martyr is coming along as well.

5) Giving up foods such as gluten, meat and sugar was a good the start to radically changing my diet, but I also need to add in the most nutrient rich foods I can through plant based eating. Which will help with weight loss. 

6) I will follow the Lord's prompting and touches to my heart about any decisions that need to be made (I'm always working on this one...not always successfully).

Today is day 4 of a 10 day juice/vegetable fast. Although I'll likely continue the juice fast for 40 days. It has been interesting to start juicing with my family.  We aren't nearly as frustrated without 'normal meals' as I would have thought. If you haven't seen Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead by Joe Cross it's worth watching at least once. I don't know if juicing is the answer to healing everything but I've seen it work last summer with my hubby's rash. It was a horrid rash that covered over 80% of his body and stayed for months and months. Juicing last year really healed it up. Juicing fits with my top 6 decisions and so juicing it is!

In the last post, I mentioned receiving confirmations that I am cancer-free. Having a confirmation like this an answer. But I can wonder and question and chase down a more substantive answer. It will never be enough. When we doubt like a double minded person a burning bush wouldn't be enough. 

When we receive confirmations from righteous, faithful people, we are to believe that confirmation. Honestly, we all want answers from the Lord -and we want the answers clearly defined and immediately. However, God answers however he wishes and for his purposes. It's important to work with our Lord, not against him. 

If I know that he's given an answer then my response needs to be faith. If I lack faith, then my response needs to be a request for more faith from Jesus. We can't muster up a mustard seed of faith on our own. All faith is given from the Lord. I have to say that pursuing greater faith in all areas of my life has been twenty years in the making and he has given way more faith than I could ever request. Yet, I can, on any given day -I can drop that faith back in his lap and pick up worry and fearfulness. Worse yet, I try to make things work on my own. 

I know that as I listen to his voice and to his directions (in the Bible and in prayer and through others) he does answer. Now the catch is sometimes I'm not sensitive to his answer or I don't like the answer. So I try to remind myself that we aren't promised an easier life in following Jesus, but we are promised something better. 

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Phil 4:5-7 (ESV)

When the verse above is really examined The Lord wants the following from me and the rewards are promised, but it's up to me to be obedient:

-be reasonable around and with others 

-do not be anxious about ANYTHING

-in everything by prayer and supplication (giving a request to God)

-with thanksgiving (not only no complaining, but actively being thankful when praying) let your requests be known to God

Here's what he will do:

-The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding (which is greater than our human minds can comprehend will 

1) Guard your hearts and 

2) Guard your minds in Christ Jesus.

That's an amazing command from the Lord. He's the Creator of heaven and earth. He's the Alpha and Omega. He created me, the tiny birds that sing in the morning, the sun that shines on the flowers, the butterflies that delight my heart. He can do anything he wants with his power and he is offering us a promise, if we are obedient. What?! 

He doesn't have to do this. He doesn't have to give us anything. But our God is loving and we are his children. So he gives generously and to all who come to him. 

Our responsibility is to stand on these promises. This means to take it in. Accept and believe without doubting; to give our pain and sadness and concerns to the Lord -not keeping them to ourselves as we like to do as we complain about life. It's selfish to keep these things to ourselves and it's disobedient. Ultimately it's self destructive.

And all of it is for his glory and our joy. It's completely for the purpose to develop the relationship for our eternity with the Lord. 

Juicing at home is wonderful.

 But finding a place in town (Mad Coffee $8 on Indian Wells Rd) that makes juice is even more wonderful!! This is the Pineapple Express. I had the cup filled to the top with ice -so that I didn't drink too much fruit sugar.

Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year voting ends today...

VOTE TODAY.... for my self-published books

Meek and Tiny Garden. If you liked either book, please cast a vote for book of the year. Awards like this help get the books into bookstores and libraries around the world.

Today is THE LAST DAY to cast your vote.

For those who have already voted...Thank You for supporting my mission of sharing the love of God through books.

http://www.bookoftheyear.net

Coming April 2017 to Amazon.com

It is my hope that all people suffering from cancer could come to know the joy and peace of the Lord. It is real. It is sustaining. It's incredible to experience actual joy -not fleeting happiness -but authentic God-given joy, while trekking through the complex maze of cancer.

Going through this journey has opened my eyes to the very real struggle that so many face with the experience of cancer. We may feel as though we are alone or we have no control. We may feel a range of emotions but can't express them. It breaks my heart to see people struggle without the Lord.

This journal is a creative, biblical way (sketching/writing) to come to the Lord with your feelings, grow closer to him, and rediscover who he is and who you are in Christ.

Take Gentle Care

Lettuce, kale, hot peppers, cilantro, tomato

We fill up ourselves with many things -all day long.  Some good, others not so good. Week after week and month after month. Sometimes we forget that the Lord wants us filled with him -with love and blessings- with joy and peace. With the Lord, we can become renewed and experience growth. Without the Lord guiding us we harden our hearts and become less sensitive to his touch on our hearts. We become hardened to how we care for ourselves and to others. We quickly become empty...like an empty half barrel (photo below.)

CTCA: The last appointment

Well it's been several days since my last post. We were at CTCA with a full schedule and a sense of frustration. As we waited in the exam room with our homemade medical binder awkwardly propped on my lap, I wondered why I would be meeting with a surgeon. Surely they heard me several times before we came to Phoenix that I wasn't interested in chemotherapy -so it couldn't be to have a port surgically installed into my chest. I'd already had surgery 28 days prior and the wounds were healing. So we waited. 

Once he arrived he asked how I found the tumor and what all had transpired up to this point. Then he told us that the surgery I'd had was rather old fashioned as -he would have had me on chemotherapy prior to surgery. 

My hubby began to defend our well known and well regarded Albuquerque breast surgeon. This led to heated discussion/stand-off which resolved with the surgeon saying we should probably not spend time replaying what has already happened and look at future plans. But isn't that where he started? He examined me (#18 person to examine me). While checked out my wounds, I asked why I was seeing him for an appointment since surgery was completed. He stated that depending on how chemo goes at some point he might have to remove all or nearly all my lymph nodes in the arm pit area. Seriously, did he just say chemo, again?

I looked at him, as he was 8 inches away from my face and prayed over his heart. (That he might know you Jesus.)

I asked him if he had ever had cancer. He said, no. I asked him if he would chose chemo as a treatment for himself and with the unknown, long term affects changing who he is and even to the point of removing him from his career. We had a discussion about the purpose of life. He says enjoyment. Of course I introduced Jesus to him. He took pause several times throughout the discussion to consider what I was saying. But then would return to his 'standard of care' rhetoric.  That although there was no way to measure any cancer cells in my body, the standard of care was chemotherapy to be sure.

We discussed other possibilities such as drug trials and immuniotherapy. Both he said were used when all other treatments had failed....after chemo and radiation fail. All I could think was, 'why am I here??' I was reminded of the song, Hotel California -"you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave." It creeped me out. 

As he discussed the possibility of lymph nodes being filled with cancer at some future point (yet undetectable at this time due to the way scans view lymph nodes after surgery) and how at some future time I may have to have all the lymph nodes in the arm pit area removed. So, I asked about lymphedema (edema of the entire arm and hands due to the lack of lymph nodes). He didn't see it as a problem to live with life long lymphedema as long as you went to physical therapy. Um, for starters I don't want lymphedema. Secondly, who can afford to go to physical therapy for the rest of their life? 

The appointment ended and I felt like a bad patient -asking too many questions, wanting what I want, arguing points -and worse not a good messenger of the word. I hadn't made him laugh or feel cared for as I could have. 

It was utterly exhausting. 

We left the office and made our way to to the cafeteria, as I really needed a cup of tea.  I looked closely at all the patients we passed by. Each one easily identifiable by an plastic identification wrist band. None looked as though they were recovering or becoming healthy. For a minute I wanted to run -run as fast as I could out the doors and to our car. But instead I just kept observing...the ones who looked healthy and well were the employees. Again, the song Hotel California came to mind.

Hot Tea and Prayer  -Charm is deceptive Psalm 31:30

We sat quietly at a charming, linen covered table. I drank my hot tea, praying for clarity and thinking of all the ways I had been reducing stress and focusing on healing prior to our trip to Phoenix. I'd lost all of those things in 48 hours. Where was the sun on my face and laughter -when did it all become so heavy. Where was the dancing underneath the stars?  And what could this place could offer us?

Honestly, it's a medical facility. They offer medical treatment that is a standard of care -reimbursable by insurance. What I had hoped for was not here. Not in this place. And furthermore, I was losing the peace and joy which was stolen from us with every person pushing chemotherapy. 

The main issue I had with CTCA wasn't the environment -it's charming; it wasn't the staff they were medical professionals; it wasn't the other patients doing what they could to continue to live.

It was me (my faith). 

The main issue I had with CTCA was that I didn't fit there and how I wished I could. It would have been much easier. But isn't that the rub with the 'world.' Now I was told that the oncologists on my team were faith-based, but I didn't see that part of who they were. Their profession superseded faith -from what I saw. It's understandable -I was touched by our Lord -no chemotherapy. But oncologists treat with chemotherapy.

It makes me think of being a counselor so over 20 years and how the faith-based community is divided over the use of counseling. I've heard too many times that counselors are unnecessary as people just need to go to Jesus. Does that mean my calling is worthless? That the years of working with people was worthless? That I was worthless? No. I know better. But the thought is there. As such, I feel no ill will toward oncologists. But for me and my situation, I had to go to Jesus and just be with him -no oncologists.

When it's time to go ...leave

As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!” -Genesis 19:17

After the insightful cup of tea, I knew what to do. I couldn't stay there any longer. We cancelled the scans, went to our room, packed and checked out of the hospital. I called the number for 'scheduling' from the car to cancel all other appointments. As we drove away, I began to feel the tremendous heaviness lift from my heart. The further away we drove the better I felt.

On the way out of Phoenix we came across an IKEA. One of my all time favorite stores. My hubby asked if I wanted to stop. It was that moment that I realized that it wasn't the rooftop garden that made our dancing joyful and fulfilling  but that we brought that part of our marriage with us. 

We make our moments special, normal, lovely -when we choose to. I looked at him -as he wanted to make me feel better- he wanted to feel better too. So we stopped at IKEA. We had lunch (lentil stew with veggies) and hot tea. We walked around and for an hour talked of daily life without cancer mentioned. 

While walking around I got a call from the surgical nurse who had been in our last appointment. She wanted to know why we'd left before getting the treatment plan and scheduling future appointments. I explained how I had become worn out telling every single person that I didn't want chemotherapy and it seeming to be the only option. She said the treatment plan appointment scheduled for the following day would have reviewed all my options and that chemo was one. She inferred that they offered naturopathic options. But when I had discussed that as an option with the intake nurse she made it clear that all naturopathic options were to alleviate reactions from chemotherapy. It was confusing to be honest. Where was the faith-based options that I'd been told about? The chapel was a quiet, restful empty place without anyone to talk to. I hoped that she understood my concerns and although I felt emotional I tried to be polite and honest.

We can only have one master -his name is Jesus

Honestly, I want to go to the christian oncologists and see their joy at being a good patient. I want to be the kind of woman who 'fights' cancer. I want to believe that medications called chemo could heal me. But that's not who I am or what I'm about or what God has put on my heart. I can not afford the luxury to follow what everyone else does or what others want or what the world does. Obedience to the Lord is all I am willing to do. (I'm not always obedient, but when there's a struggle to be obedient or not, well, it all goes well when I choose obedience.) For those of you who are faith-filled and believe in chemo -please understand- I respect your choices/decisions, I really do. 

We arrived home four days ago completely wiped out. We were as empty as the half barrel waiting to be filled in body and spirit.

Let the Lord fill up your empty barrel

A close friend texted a photo of a flower in Hawaii and said to 'take gentle care.' These three words  have danced in my mind. How can I be more gentle with myself? It's not about cancer treatment but living my life with the Lord and caring for myself, in gentle ways. 

It has taken me all of the last four days to renew with the Lord.  After church yesterday, my 18 year old daughter and I drove to Cloudcroft for lunch (salad for me). We sang songs together and laughed. We went to Home Depot and purchased garden starts and an empty half barrel to grow salad veggies. Later my husband and I rode his motorcycle to the church for the annual/financial meeting. We received a second confirmation from the Lord, that the surgery removed all of the cancer.... and I am cancer free. Praise God!

Now to take gentle care and let the Lord, fill up my empty half barrel with the most nurturing of plants. 

Half barrel waiting to become a salad bowl

Moments of Medical Insanity and Moments of Light and Love

In the midst of medical insanity we discover moments of love and joy from our Lord. I read from Radical Remission this morning about a man who was sent home to die. He had no more cancer treatment options. He woke to an early sunrise with birds awake and chirping. He began wondering about the birds and when and why they woke in the morning. His interest was piqued and he began to observe and notice what time they awoke and then wondered what make them wake up at the same time everyday. His story of complete recovery began with an interest in birds and trees -not with cancer.

This morning we woke up and saw these lights from our room. We took an early morning stroll through the gardens and sat underneath these trees. We talked about the appointments we had yesterday and the ones ahead. 

Yesterday our first appointment was with a financial counselor. The first form she asked about and gave us was a living will and where to get it notarized. 

Then we spent the next half hours signing  page after page of releases and such. Then we were escorted to an exam room and many people from different departments came to us over the next 3.5 hours. It was easier than going from place to place but we were pretty worn out by the end. A medical technician did my vitals; a patient advocate met us briefly and told us what she does; a representative from 'Cancer Fighters' met with us (support but not a support group); a medical doctor met with us and reviewed the previous pathology report/surgery notes with us and did an examination of the incisions (#17) and was the first person (including my breast surgeon) to examine both breasts; a nurse who called me for the medical intake came in to meet me and chat; and lastly a blood draw. 

I've spoken with several people from CTCA on the phone prior to our arrival and I expressed how I'm interested in other options -no chemo- such as Immunotherapy. However, the medical doctor only talked about chemotherapy. His wife is the medical oncologist who will meet with us tomorrow to give us the treatment plan. He set up the following appointments for today: vitals, consult with surgeon (for a port to be put in for chemo); an IV put in for two scans (which I requested) CT and bone scans; consult with nutrition for 30 min to address how to eat right for chemo; and a consult with naturopathic doctor to help with reactions from chemo.

The doctor spent over an hour answering questions we had. However, he admits that usually they don't look for metastatic cancer unless there's physical symptoms. So usually with cancer spreading to lymph nodes they wouldn't do any scans -just treat with chemo to kill the cancer cells in the blood stream. Also there's no way to do a blood test to find cancer cells unless the cancer is metastatic already. So they won't look in the blood for cancer cells. All the blood work that was done yesterday was to find out my liver function and blood clot ability to prepare for chemo. 

The staff are friendly and warm. For the most part, I have no idea what to talk about other than the medical questions. It's secular. I know many faithful and godly people have had the full spectrum of cancer treatment so I don't want to minimize it. However, the medical field is a business and cancer is big business. My question to God right now has been, what do you want me to do? I'd go through all of it if he says to. My great-grandmother believed in medicine and felt that doctors knew what was best on all accounts. She'd avoid wearing make up to appointments so that "the doctor can see what my color is today." When I'd accompany her to appointments they never looked at her face to see if she looked healthy. However, she never had a major medical condition until she was in her 90s so maybe she was on to something.

I tried to make an appointment with the Research Department but was told I needed a doctor's order. So we asked the doctor about Immunotherapy or clinical trials and the doctor said those options are usually a last option after all other options have been tried -chemo and radiation. He said that Triple Negative is very sensitive to chemo so it will be very effective. However this is based on statistics and studies -not any before/after tests or scans with me personally. Additionally, when the cancer returns it often has mutated to a chemoresistant strain and can become a different type of cancer and show up elsewhere in the body. He said many people live for years going through cancer treatment as palliative care - so basically living with cancer and getting chemo, radiation and surgery as needed to live longer. The woman I first met here who was kind and hugged me has been through this for six years. She's getting chemotherapy while she's here due to a recurrence of cancer (different kind than she was first diagnosed with.) The motto of Cancer Fighters is something like, "Fighting cancer will be the most important thing you do in your life." (or something close to this...really? the most important thing you do in your life? What about Jesus? Why do they always leave you out Lord?)

We have many appointments for tomorrow which I'll share later. But I'll leave you with this...

Our last appointment on Thursday morning is to meet with a pastor. 

Comparing Battle Scars and Dancing Underneath the Stars

 The chapel at CTCA. We both cried as we sat and prayed and read a verse from the Bible.

Yesterday we arrived at Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Goodyear, Arizona. We drove onto the 'campus' and found that the parking area for patients is in front of the hospital with the only shade in the entire parking lot. We walked past lovely trees and flowers along a winding path up to the grand front entrance and it was a long slow walk. We both were worried about the experience of staying at a hospital/treatment center. Then we entered the foyer. It was lovely and peaceful and I had to hold back tears. We met a friendly helpful guy at the front desk. He signed us in. It cost $150 for six nights. He showed my hubby where the cart was located so he could gather our bags and such.

I was so overwhelmed I had to sit down in a chair in the lobby. Of course there was a box of tissues next to the chair. I had tears pour out. A woman walked up to me and said she didn't want to bother me but asked which of us was the patient and then told me about how she's been battling cancer for six years. Then another woman in the lobby joined us and told me that we're all family. I got the most genuine hugs from two women -one from Oklahoma and the other from Tennessee and we were immediately connected because all three of us have breast cancer. This was a first since January 16th. I had yet to meet and get to know anyone who's had breast cancer -like this. Where I could cry and describe what's going on.

Meanwhile my hubby gathered our bags from the car and waited patiently near the husband of one of the women. He asked my hubby, "Do you think they are comparing battle scars?" and they laughed. My hubby said it felt good to laugh with another man who's going through the same thing as he is. Funny thing is we were talking about our surgeries and scars! Ha!

We said farewell to our new friends and proceeded to make our way to our room and to explore this amazing place.

The most interesting part so far has been that everyone we've seen here has cancer. It's not like any hotel I've ever been in where we don't get to know people without a lot of effort. We found that this is more like a grand home than a hospital. We had dinner in the cafeteria -where the tables have linen tablecloths. We discovered the rooftop garden where music was playing and we were alone so my hubby and I danced under the stars and watched the lights of Phoenix together. We laughed as he twirled me underneath God's sky.

This morning, I found a letter underneath the door. It wasn't a receipt. It was the details for today's appointments. We have several appointments and all are just down the hall or up the elevator from where we are staying. So far we can only feel blessed -because we are absolutely blessed. And we're blessed to be able to feel our feelings about this with our Lord and support from others who are going through the same experience. We shall see what the Lord has in store for us today.

A prayer wall in the chapel. The white between stones are written prayers. I sobbed when I saw this, thinking of all the people who've come through here praying for healing. And thinking of my own prayers for healing. It was quite a chapel.

Faith and Thankfulness: It's for your own good.

Cast all your cares upon him; for he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7

My hubby gave me pink roses after surgery. It was so sweet! He is a good hubby!

I am absolutely thankful during this time of 'crisis.' Actually the less I think of it as a crisis, the less it feels like a crisis. Jesus helps that a lot. When you give over your cares to the Lord, you really have a lot of time on your hands for other things, like being thankful.

I posted the following on Facebook on February 22, 2017, the day after surgery:

While I was waking from anesthesia yesterday the immense pain awaken too. The nurse had to feed me some applesauce then request the pain med and then get it for me. Then I it took a few minutes -maybe 15 for it to work. 

As I prayed while in pain it remained. But then as I prayed about each tiny and big thing I am thankful for God lifted away the pain. When I would pause from praying thankfulness the pain returned. So I kept my heart set on the words below and kept thanking our Lord. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, 

whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Spending time thanking God during cancer seems antithetical to the nature of the illness. But then isn't that the way of the world? The world says, "Why would you thank a God who would let this happen!" But faith says, that Jesus is the only way that anything -and everything- gets better and even becomes God's form of 'good.' 

This form of good is amazing, incredible, delightful, surprising and long-lasting. The world says, "I don't want good, I want more." But faith says, that God's form of good is as good as it gets and you really can't want more. God always, always has the kind of plans for us that we could never even dream up. 

Focus on this:

whatever is true, 

whatever is noble, 

whatever is right, 

whatever is pure, 

whatever is lovely, 

whatever is admirable

—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Over the time of this little detour our Father has sent me on, I've found that there's been truth, purity, loveliness, admirable moments (etc) in many ways. The world says, "What?! How can you dare to enjoy yourself -you have cancer! You should feel sad, angry, resentment, bitter, hateful and annoyed by everything!" 

And believe me, I've felt these feelings occasionally, but then I cast them over to God. Like skipping a stone. I don't want this anymore. It's not a heavy weight -as evil wishes it were- no it's a light, wasteful, piece of trash that needs to go.

Faith says, "Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4  If you read before and after this verse it really develops the depth of the Lord leading our hearts to his love for us. 

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in land and enjoy safe pasture. 

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the Lord; trust him and he will do this: 

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, 

your vindication like the noonday sun." 

-Psalm 37:3-6 

Actually I recommend reading the all of Psalm 37. There's a lot to embrace in it. In verse 19 it's says, "In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty." Well this experience is one of those times and I'm standing on God's promise! I am not withering and I am enjoying plenty! 

When we allow ourselves to be thankful we see our lives as God is creating it for us. We see the blessings. When we allow the world to tell us what's missing or what's wrong with this or that -well the blessings fade away and we are left believing there is nothing for us. It's such a lie.

The most lovely box in the entire world arrived yesterday!

This morning I'm sitting at the desk, writing this you, my dear readers, in new slippers! Oh so very soft slippers from a very dear friend. We are long distance friends, but we use to be neighbors over 20 years ago. She mailed me a lovely box filled with wonderful gifts to make this time better (ha, no, to make this time good.)

Slippers make my feet happy! Polka dots make my heart happy!

The other day, my hubby came home with a card and gift certificate for Caliches -frozen custard (like ice cream). On the gift certificate it says "To: The Garno Family From: The CACTF Family." My hubby employees are a family! Aw! And they thought of making our day better (err, I mean good.)

God has shared so much good with us, through all of you. We had recently changed churches before the diagnosis and our new pastor, who didn't know us, continues to pray over us and with us. He drove all the way to Albuquerque, stayed the night and prayed with us before surgery. Then he waited with my hubby for hours in the waiting room. 

We have received so much love from our friends and family. There have been many texts, phone calls, emails and messages on Facebook and comments here on this blog that make my day better -no- they all make life good. 

This is one way that God loves us -he does it through other people.

Faith is built by our Lord. It's not my creation. However, when God gives you faith -maybe like a teaspoon full -it's your choice to either take it in like good medicine or spit it out. When we take in faith it grows within us. The story of the mustard seed has guided me many times when I feel like I'm out of faith and I search my heart for a tiny little seed of faith -and then I give it to God (casting my cares on him) and ask him to grow it for me. 

The world will often challenge you to find the good saying that it's rare and unusual and that life 'sucks' and blah, blah, blah...all lies. 

The good of the Lord is everywhere, it's plentiful, and it's meant for us as a gift from our Father! The blessings from the Lord flow, day in and day out -and the more you are thankful for the smallest of blessings the sooner you'll see more blessings, that were there all along. 

Treatment Update: Two physical therapy appointments this week (have you ever heard of scar massage?), one clinical/medical interview with a nurse with Cancer Treatment Centers of America and packing to go to Phoenix. My three day appointment at CTCA starts on Monday, March 20th. 

In the meanwhile I am embracing God's good for me through the following list: 
reducing stress; 
avoiding germs/illness -like groups of people with runny noses (500+ students/teachers -aww -miss you all); 
sitting in the sunshine for 15-30 min breathing in God's light into my lungs and blood stream and 'seeing' the little cancer cells disappear upon contact; 
laughing for 30-60 min per day (silly sit coms help); 
eating veggies and fruit; 
reducing sugar/meat (how I miss you both); 
drinking lots of water; 
reading the Bible/praying/writing a letter to God; 
exercise/walking/gardening; 
soaking in the tub;
cooking and taking care of the household; 
enjoying time with my hubby and daughter when they are home and texting them when they aren't;
writing this blog/FB posts on blessings/Martyr (book after Meek).
And occasionally driving to Tularosa to mail off copies of my books to friends and family, because the Alamogordo post office is so crazy-busy and the drive to Tulie is fun.

Thank you for your prayers. Prayers are certainly a blessing to me and my family. The love I feel from all of you is quite a wonder! It is GOOD!

Here's a GOOD word for the day. While this is usually meant for pastors of a church, we are all elders to someone and younger to someone else:

Shepherd the Flock of God

So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: 2 shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; 3 not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. 4 And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. 5 Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 

7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 

8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

-1 Peter 5:1-11