I've been reading Radical Remission, Surviving Cancer Against All Odds by Kelly Turner. It's what you do when you have completed the cancer treatment. Read books on what to do next. My treatment was surgery, eleven weeks ago. I'm recovering well and trying to understand what comes next. My day begins and ends with me eating foods gently. Is the apple good for me? Can I eat ice cream with the family or will I die from milk and sugar? Can I eat tacos? Wait meat is bad for me, so I'll just have refried beans in the taco. What is in the refried beans? Will it kill me? Can I eat the taco shell? Prays to the Lord, while cooking for family* "Lord, what can I eat?"
Changing eating habits is painful. We've been gluten free for several years. I still miss donuts. I bought donuts for a friend the other day, and it was wonderful to participate in part of the donut ritual -going to the donut shop. The eating of donuts, is not permitted. Ask me how I feel about it....
It brought back memories of my dad taking me for a ride on his motorcycle and ending up at the donut shop for a breakfast of cocoa and donuts at Daylight Donuts in Hays, Kansas. He would sit and talk to the other men who came to drink coffee and chat the morning away. I miss donuts and I miss my dad.
People say that your life changes when you have a cancer diagnosis. That's been true for me and I wonder what will I be like in a year, ten years even forty years from now. I've had chronic asthma all my life, occasional colds and the flu. I've had my tonsils removed and my gallbladder out. But none of that has changed me like having a diagnosis of cancer.
What I want to know is ...why is this different from say the flu. With the flu, we will ask, "how are you feeling?" and eventually we stop asking. I suppose because we assume that they have recovered. But cancer isn't like that, why? There is no recovery. Instead we say, it's in 'remission.' When you have the flu, you drink fluids and eat homemade chicken soup. You stay home from work and rest up. With cancer, the remedies makes you sicker.
People say that having cancer made them angry. I don't understand this. But then I feel angry and wonder why? Why feel anything different from say having the flu? I never felt angry after having the flu.
So finished the chapter titled, Releasing Suppressed Emotions. I read through the chapter and gave it a nod and kept reading. Now, I'm actually up to the chapter on Social Support in the book....Because I'm not angry. Why would I be angry? What have I suppressed? I stopped at Social Support and went back to the emotions chapter. Now I am rereading the dumb chapter on suppressed emotions. Wasn't reading it once enough?!
As a professing, faith filled, Jesus loving, believer of the the one true God....how could I suppress emotions? I mean, ok, my parents both died last year; I've lost my new job because of cancer, I miss working as a professor (budget cuts in 2015), my only child is becoming an adult and I am developing a case of empty nest syndrome...but who's suppressing emotion? Am I? I'm eating fruits and vegetables for every meal -like seriously- I'm going granola. But I think of donuts everyday. I'm good...no suppressed feelings here. Maybe they are repressed feelings?
I've been asking God for help in this. Show me where I'm suppressing emotions so that I can heal. So that I can be closer to you. So that I can avoid cancer....oh...yeah, I see how this is different from the flu. Cancer is a certified life-ender. In our modern times, the flu is an inconvenience. I mean people do die from the flu...every year. But not like cancer.
I ask God, am I angry about cancer....In my heart, show me where? It sure does upset other people. Everyone seems angry about cancer. Cancer talk, makes people feel awkward to discuss the treatment options or about the loss associated with it. It's everywhere...cancer is not just me, it's everywhere. So when you talk with me, it brings up the past. That's really sad and I guess it could make me angry.
Reading about suppressed emotions makes me angry. Because, I'm like *talking to the book* "I'm not angry, you are!" *Throws book down on the sofa and walks away* I know that talking to the Lord about the pain of life and difficulties makes it better, I feel soothed. I am covered in a joy, that's deeper than I've ever experienced. But apparently, I still feel feelings -uh hello, Jesus, I'm still angry. What do I do? Christians aren't suppose to feel angry or sad...we are suppose to put on a happy face and greet our fellow believers with a cheerful heart. Fake, lies, not true. I want a donut and I want it now. *Picks up a banana and eats it with a spoonful of peanut butter.*
People ask, "How are you doing?" because they don't know what else to say. But as a person with this strange experience, I don't want to lie but who really has the time to hear about the confusion, the hard choices, the days that pass without any new information. I don't have a cancer-meter wrist watch to tell you how much cancer there is or if I'm ok or if it's a bad day or even why it's a bad day.
Oh, wait, that sounds like repressed anger. Where do we let it out? Where do we share the real -RAW- feelings of something that isn't understood? The other day, someone told me that with this experience, I needed rest no matter what job/work I would have done. I've felt bad about not returning to the In School Suspension classroom. But I have felt God touch my heart on this...I can't be around the negativity of the angry students and frustrated teachers who come to the room. It's really sad. Because I liked the students and the school. Apparently it's not good for me to be there.
*Picks up book from sofa, begins rereading chapter on emotions* Huh, I can see where I 'might' have some feelings about this. Lord, what do I do with these feelings??
*Lord, touches my heart with the following words* "Write, write, write! Everyday write. Let your voice out in your writing. Write Martyr until it's finished. Take your emotions and use them in the novel. Write what you feel through the characters. Write, write, write!"
But then I realized I do a lot of praying in here and it was a pantry... so we can call it the Prayer Pantry. My nearly adult daughter said, "Oh you finally came up with a good name." *Looks at daughter with annoyance * I have no repressed emotions. I have no repressed emotions.
Loss. It's all about loss and how to reconnect with the Lord along this path. So in obedience, I write and write. He neglected to say, 'Eat donuts everyday.' I'm still waiting for that directive. Until then, back to Martyr, I go. Chapter 29 must be written. It's the funeral of the character that's -martyred- uh yeah...it's the reason the book is titled Martyr. Sorry, no hints at who is martyred. But having a character die -is not easy. Loss...it's all about loss and how to reconnect with the Lord along this path.
*My lovely daughter walks by* and says, "If Pastor Ben dies, I'm never reading any of your books ever again!" I have no repressed....
*Turns to daughter and says* "I can't tell you who's being martyred. Have a great day. Love you!"
I really miss donuts...
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