And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
It's all such an annoyance, inconvenience and at times painful -on all human levels -emotional, mental spiritual and physical. There's also fear. I did a personal study in fear when we lived in Delta Junction, Alaska. I put a reminder on my phone to "Fear Not" twice a day for an entire year. I stayed in the word on this subject and really have been quite healed regarding fear. However, I still have fear flame up and cause me to cry -until I renew my mind to the depth of that year and see that there is nothing to fear. Fear is not of the Lord. But the Lord did say that there would be trials and suffering.
There's also grief. I cry to grieve. Maybe it's thinking of my mom going through cancer treatment and passing away last year. How I wish she were here to talk with over a cup of tea. My little sister reminded me the other day, " Mom would say, 'this too shall pass." That helped to have those words. Or grieving about losing time with the things that occupied my life -such as work.
I work at a middle school. I'm the In School Suspension EA, the classroom is run like a quiet library with time to talk with the students about how to pull it together and make better choices. It's quite wonderful to spend entire days with students who have the hardest hearts. If I share an orange or help with homework they say hi to me in the hallways for weeks and weeks. One student stopped me in the hall and thanked me for being kind to him while he was in ISS for several days -and I'm not a pushover or a 'fun' educator. I just love them with the Lord's kindness.
It's a delight to work with the middle schoolers. Everyday they made me laugh. I can't tell you how many times a day a random student would pop in and say, "Hi Mrs. Garno," and then jump back into the raging river that is the 7th grade hallway. During lunch or passing periods the hallways are non-stop white water rapids of elbows and backpacks rushing and jostling to and fro. This river of bodies has occasional eddies where students stop to chat, and turbulent waters of running, pushing and shoving to get to their best friend for a high five (although they just saw one another an hour ago.) The river has can turn at any moment and the flow changes direction -that's when you press yourself to the wall and watch everyone woosh past. It's amazing that it's not like a 20 car pile up on the interstate. But it's not.
As I've been healing from the surgery, I can't imagine having the energy to keep up with the 7th grade river. The jostling elbows alone make me cringe. I think I would want to wear a literal breastplate of righteousness -for protection.
I work at a middle school. I'm the In School Suspension EA, the classroom is run like a quiet library with time to talk with the students about how to pull it together and make better choices. It's quite wonderful to spend entire days with students who have the hardest hearts. If I share an orange or help with homework they say hi to me in the hallways for weeks and weeks. One student stopped me in the hall and thanked me for being kind to him while he was in ISS for several days -and I'm not a pushover or a 'fun' educator. I just love them with the Lord's kindness.
It's a delight to work with the middle schoolers. Everyday they made me laugh. I can't tell you how many times a day a random student would pop in and say, "Hi Mrs. Garno," and then jump back into the raging river that is the 7th grade hallway. During lunch or passing periods the hallways are non-stop white water rapids of elbows and backpacks rushing and jostling to and fro. This river of bodies has occasional eddies where students stop to chat, and turbulent waters of running, pushing and shoving to get to their best friend for a high five (although they just saw one another an hour ago.) The river has can turn at any moment and the flow changes direction -that's when you press yourself to the wall and watch everyone woosh past. It's amazing that it's not like a 20 car pile up on the interstate. But it's not.
As I've been healing from the surgery, I can't imagine having the energy to keep up with the 7th grade river. The jostling elbows alone make me cringe. I think I would want to wear a literal breastplate of righteousness -for protection.
So I haven't been back to work yet. It's been almost a month. Now I'm off sick leave and on long term disability. If I were still teaching at the University of Alaska Fairbanks I'd still teach my classes. Most semesters I only taught 10-12 classes per week. Lectures were already prepared, grading was already laid out. I could take a nap in the middle of the day and teach an evening class. Oh how I miss you UAF. But working at a middle school is intense, high energy. The days I didn't have students in my classroom, I was subbing for other teachers. The intensity of 20-30 students asking questions and raised hands for help alone is enough energy to power a small town. The sound is like the hushed early morning quiet in nature, until the birds all wake up. Then it's a crescendo of birds talking and singing. It's amazing. Most educators take 5-10,000 steps per day -it's a great way to get steps in. But it's also either energizing or wearing you out. When you are well and ready for it -these are the most wonderful days. If you're under the weather in any small way, it's the hardest thing to ever do. I feel such a love for the students and staff. However, I am more than a little under the weather.
Yesterday the most I could do was to shower, drive to Lowe's Home Store and walk around the garden center. My mental energy was limited to deciding which color of begonias to buy. The aisles there a still, pond of flowers. Each waiting patiently for me to approach -at my own pace. It was so delightful, that I texted a photo to my hubby. (He asked if I wrote the tithing check yet -lol- he knew I was there to purchase -not just window shop. Which I did by the way -lovely flowers went home with me.) I arrived home and was so tired, I had to sit and drink tea and put my feet up. A luxury for a school day.
Going to the garden center was the most I could do. While it exhausted me,
I was also "restored, confirmed and strengthened" as well.
What could the middle school river rapids do to me in this fatigued condition. This makes me cry. It's part of the annoying, inconvenient, painful experience of cancer treatment. My soul reminds me that I can accept the suffering with the Lord's help. My heart says, 'this too shall pass." In the meantime, I can cry and grieve when the wave of loss comes and washes over me. God created tears and he knows we will suffer in this life. And I can hope for a new adventure as I count the months until treatment is over, and maybe -just maybe I can return to the middle school -as a teacher- next year. All my ducks are in a row to teach rather than work as the ISS classroom. So my ducks are waiting patiently for me to get through this experience so I can have a new adventure.
The funny thing is that this is a new adventure. In the past, I've counseled clients comparing new life experiences (say in clean/sober living) to adventures. Adventures are exciting, exhilarating, awe-inspiring, but they can also be slow, boring, dangerous, painful and challenging. To really live our lives -we have to embrace the adventure -where God has placed us. There was a time where my adventure was parenting my daughter as a baby and I never thought I'd be done breastfeeding or changing diapers, but she's 18 now. We can miss the blessings of the moment, if we are always forward focused.
I made my hubby pose for this photo.
We laughed so much! We joked that the parking security would tell him
that he doesn't qualify for that parking space.
Embracing these moments that God has created means finding the joy -the Lord's joy. Laughing daily and not feeling guilty for being happy. I mean it's ok to laugh at funny things while going to the doctor appointments. In this adventure one of the challenges is to encourage everyone affected by my cancer diagnosis to live their lives. We are a family that laughs together everyday. It is a rare day where we aren't laughing and cracking jokes -a lot. So it would damage our family significantly, if we held our breath and just stopped and waited for the next treatment or the next appointment. Honestly, it hurts all (dear readers) when we fail to embrace the simple, joyful, wholesome laughter that God has provided to us. He created in us the ability to laugh. He created us to be filled with joy and to embrace one another with love that is full and enriching to our souls. I am so thankful!
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